Lost feelings of old

As I have moved on in age and consider my childhood more of a distant memory as opposed to reality, many of the joys in life have also become less significant to me. I suspect this is a natural feeling as one grows older. Life is a series of discoveries about yourself and as you age so to do your likes/wants/needs. The thing is, I am not so sure that my desires in life are any better now as opposed to then. I often feel less satisfied with my choices and the resulting consequences. I do not take pleasure out of the 'every day' as I once did. In fact, each new day feels much like the last. There just isn't the kind of joy that I used to experience in life.

Take riding my bike for instance. As a child, even into my teenage years, I loved to ride my bike. I had several different bikes over the years and each one holds a special place in my memory banks. My bike represented freedom. I often rode in packs of friends who also felt the same way I did about our bikes. It connected us. Once I turned 16, cars became the mode of transportation that took me from one place to another. Driving a car was great initially and even today I still harbor strong feelings about my cars for various reasons. The reality however that driving a car is nothing like riding a bike. Driving a car doesn't take effort so there is no physical reward. It is far more expensive and dangerous. It is often stressful to drive around where I live and I dread it more often than not. Like bike riding, I also drive in packs of other cars. But unlike bike riding that pack is made up with strangers who often do not care about my well-being or feelings about the fact that they drive like idiots. It is not a satisfying experience in the way that riding my bike used to be. I actually still own a bike and I do still ride it, mostly for exercise purposes. I do not ride it to get somewhere or to visit someone. Its sole purpose is to remind me that I need to move around or I will get fat. That doesn't feel special, just functional. My point here is that I miss that feeling of getting on my bike and riding out the day with friends traveling to what seemed like far away destinations and adventures. I just do not experience that anymore. I feel lesser because of it.

Perhaps the greatest example I can give is that of Christmas. Tis the season, and right now I am thoroughly ensconced in buying gifts, wrapping them, decorating my house, drinking the 'Nog, and trying to determine if my son knows Santa isn't real. Christmas as a child is a wondrous time. It's full of joyful music and celebration. Mystical creatures and characters are everywhere and not frowned upon. It represents the pinnacle of religious expression wrapped up in commercial packaging. There just isn't anything to rival it, at least in the United States of America. But much like my love of bike riding, the Christmas season has turned into an event of memory and lack of true meaning for me. I want to enjoy it and occasionally, usually after too many 'Nogs, I do feel that Christmas spirit that makes everything seem alive and awesome. But it is fleeting and these days life events have left me dreading Christmas to a larger extent. That is really a shame because the joy I felt at Christmas as a child was so amazing that losing it really feels significant. I have often lost something or other in my life, but there are really only a few instances of real loss. I mean the kind of loss that changes you as a person. To me, this is one of those losses. I want Christmas to be special. I want to be the happiest kid on the planet again. I want to look forward to Christmas morning and the joy of coming down the stairs to discover what Santa had brought. I can live that experience through my son to a degree and his joy does make me happy for him. But on a real personal level, it is not the same. I suspect that is because I often feel lonely these days due to the personal loss I have experienced on various levels through my recent life. Christmas should be a time to share with those that you love. However, when those that you love are no longer part of your life that can be a source of sadness that is hard to overcome.

I recognize that nothing lasts forever. Every aspect of your life is fleeting on some level. But there are a few things that I truly miss. Aspects of my life that will never be the same, but I wish they would. The progression through life is supposed to teach you about wisdom, the value of patience, the dual nature of love, and so on and so forth. These days I often view it more as a constant reminder of things I have lost and hope to find once again. Perhaps that is the real lesson. Life moves on and we must continue to find joy in the present and hope for the future and let the past linger no more.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. May your every wish come true.

My lonely looking tree