Parenting at the very least is difficult. It always has been. Don't let anyone fool you that somehow parenting now is harder or easier than it used to be. It is just different. However, the goals have always been the same. How do I mold this small human being into a capable and self sufficient adult? Boy is that a tough question to answer and frankly if you asked 100 people you would likely get 100 different responses. I will attempt to illuminate my experiences from a single parent perspective. I hope that it will bring you to tears or laughter or both.
Let me just start by saying that bringing a child into this world is the most change impacting decision you will make in your life. It is more impacting than getting married, or going to law school, or picking a job,etc. It impacts every area of your world. Those impacts are both significant and acute depending on the day and time, but make no mistake you will have to alter how you live your life. I would hope that most people go into making this decision with their eyes wide open, but as I have pointed out in my blog before - life is full of uncertainty. Sometimes kids can just happen. Also, having your eyes wide open will not actually help you cope any better when the proverbial shit hits the fan. It will however make the experience a little less surprising by giving you a chance to do some sort of planning for the craziness. Even if that was going on a nine month heroine fueled bender to get it out of your system. Parenting will be part of you one way or the other, so at least actively making the decision to have a kid seems to be the easier path to take. Just my two cents here.
Very Fucking Hard.
Typically two people will make a well thought out decision to have a kid. They plan according to many factors in their lives. They will discuss what roles they will play as a parent. What personal strengths and weaknesses will be most important as they tackle raising a child together. How will they work as a team to be the best parents they can be. One thing that has to be decided is who will be the disciplinarian. You typically only need one, but one you need. That person will often be the bad guy, but will also be instrumental in instilling important skills like discipline and patience. Both parents will fill certain roles for their child and the child will learn when its appropriate to go to mom or dad. This is an important discussion to have prior to having children. It is a fundamental decision that needs to be made so that there is some clarity of action when things get chaotic. It can make a very difficult job a little easier and provide some perspective at times when you just feel like you can't do anything right. Having that partner in crime that will help you to figure out a better way or provide some positive feedback when you need it the most is going to be critical.
I have raised my son mostly by myself for six + years of his life. All of my plans and preparations for being a parent including the roles I would play were dashed against the rocky cliffs of life when my then wife passed away from cancer at the age of 34. My son was almost two at the time. As if parenting isn't a daunting enough task, I now had to rearrange everything in my mind about the role I would play for my son. It caused me a not insignificant amount of sleepless nights. This isn't meant to be a sob story. Anyone can have a bad hand dealt to them and as one of my favorite people likes to say, "Champions adjust!" So adjust I did. I cannot say that I handled everything perfectly. In fact there were times when I handled certain things very poorly. Sometimes angry responses just happen. It took me a little while to get some direction and feel comfortable in my role as a solo parent, but since it did I have not looked back.
One thing that quickly becomes evident as a solo parent is that you are now part of a daily circus. One in which you are juggling everything in your life without the benefit of a partner helping to direct the show. It is amazing how trying to manage a full time job, owning a house, having a personal life and raising a small child by yourself can get your stress meter to the red line about as fast as a formula one race car. The one saving grace is that you really don't have any other options, so you are forced to figure things out. It can be hard to love being a parent. However, the truth is once you do it you can't imagine being anything else. There is something inherently rewarding about figuring out solutions to the various crazy things your kids get into. The challenge is even greater as a solo parent, and perhaps the rewards even more precious. In order to get to the rewards, all parents must have a special magical skill known as patience.
This special skill is your lifeline as a parent. You will never feel like you have quite enough of it however. The good news is that parenting has made me a more patient person that I used to be. I attribute that to all of the moments where I have had to take a deep breath and consider my next option instead of just going postal. Perhaps that also comes with just getting older in general, but having a kid will force you to find ways to summon your patient side with some frequency. The key thing you have to figure out is that kids just operate on a different schedule. They do not have the daily life pressures to drive them forward. We all can think back to being a kid and recall that our biggest problem we would face on a daily basis was getting dressed or taking a bath. So when you are in a hurry and your kid is like hold up I gotta touch every freaking item in my room before I take that bath, you will need a lot of patience to keep yourself from going off the deep end. Those moments will come at the worst times for you. Like after a really tough day at work where you got eviscerated by your boss for something that you had no control over and you had to practically kill yourself to fix the problem before leaving to come home to pick your kid up from school. That is not the time when you want to hear your kid say that they forgot their school issued iPad and you now have to go back to the school to get it. Again, patience will be your guide to remain sane during these moments.
One big advantage to the two parent system is that when one parent has lost all control and can no longer cope, the other parent can step in and be the voice of reason. Here is perhaps the one area where I find that being a solo parent just isn't quite fair. I mean its not like I have some giant reserve of patience in me at any given moment that I can call on to act reasonably when things blow up. In fact, there are various things that tax my patience reserves like my job or paying bills. So, as a result I have my blow ups. Its just part of the deal I think.
Much of the time its just all of the stress being released like a cataclysmic volcanic eruption. It may not even really have much to do with what my kid actually did right at that moment. Its cumulative in most cases. All parents experience this to some degree, so I am not treating this like it is somehow limited to my experience. However, it became very clear to me very quickly that it would be nice to have someone to do a post-mortem after the dust settles. The blow ups usually result in my feeling pretty awful and going through the song and dance of should I apologize or not. I mean no matter what my kid did, short of driving the jeep into a deep lake, he doesn't deserve to see his father completely lose his cool. I try to make it a teaching lesson so that he sees that acting that way doesn't gain you anything and hurts peoples feelings. That being said, sometimes I feel that I should not have to apologize for being rung through the ringer day after day and eventually snapping. To be human is to be imperfect. All parents are often faced with choices that are less than ideal no matter what they end up deciding. As a solo parent, I often have only my counsel (and the internet) to make these decisions. They should be teaching moments, but they don't always feel that way.
The spread too thin effect certainly plays a huge role in being a solo parent as well. I am tasked on a daily basis with waking my kid up, making sure he is dressed (this takes at least 3 reminders), feeding him, bathing him, taking him to school and picking him up, taking him to practice and games (including coaching), homework, laundry, helping him with life, teaching him lessons, playing with him, scolding him, putting him to bed and on and on. All of these things in and of themselves would be a full time job. Notice that none of these things have anything to do with me living my own life. I am not saying that any of these are bad in and of themselves, well except the laundry - I hate doing laundry, but in combination everyday they tend to wear on you. I would literally cry tears of joy if someone would just appear once in a while and say hey, take a break. I got this. I am sure my son would also appreciate if someone would fold his laundry properly or make him eat something besides turkey sandwiches for lunch. Hey! Sometimes I put mustard on the darn thing, don't judge! I don't know, maybe this all just sounds like complaining. I recognize that most people have a lot of daily challenges, so its not like this is something unique to me or solo parents in general. Frankly, I have incorporated the daily shuffle into my routine and it would feel weird to not have a million things to do everyday. It does feel good when you get it right. So it's not all bad. Plus, Lil C is now old enough to help me with some of these things. I only wish I didn't have to remind him 100 times to do them. One thing at a time.
I do not want to give the impression that being a solo parent is all bad. I mean look, being a parent in general has its rewards. Watching your child grow up is very satisfying. The advantage of being a solo parent is that you get all of the rewards to yourself. When your kid does something well at school, learns a new skill, laughs a good belly laugh, teaches you something, or just comes and hugs your neck out of true and unconditional love it makes you feel like a million dollars. There is really no feeling quite like it. I believe that a solo parent experiences these rewards differently than a set of parents. I don't get to divvy up sporting moments or school plays or really anything involving my kid. I am at everything. So I get to see it all and experience the good vibes that comes from watching your kid grow up. That is something that is truly valuable, even on the days when you feel like you just don't have the time or energy.
I have also come to realize that being a solo parent means relying on a good support network around you. I have had the good fortune of living in an area where many of my former wife's family lives. They have been instrumental in helping me to raise Lil C. Without their weekly support, this would be so much harder then it already is. They show Lil C a lot of love and have always gone out of their way to be there for him. They are generally more than happy to take Carter for the afternoon or weekend. He gets to spend time with his family and foster relationships that will be important for him throughout his life. It makes me feel good as a parent that those connections are strong impacts in his life. The added benefit for me is that this time with his family allows me time to work on something that I need in my own life. Personal time. People need social relationships in their life. Something more than just the parent/child interaction. Being a solo parent, I don't have that partner embedded in my life to spend time with socially when time allows. So what I have found is that my support network helps me to go out and try and establish relationships that help me be a more well rounded person.
Investing in a significant other or new friends is both challenging and rewarding. The challenge comes from the lack of time. You have to make it count when you can. You just don't have the time or energy to commit to building and developing new relationships as frequently as you would like. I have had the fortunate experience to meet and grow personal relationships with two women since my wife's passing. The first one turned out to be a mistake as I just wasn't ready emotionally to cope with the daily rigors of a partnership. Plus the person I was with turned out to be less than truthful about a great many things. My second relationship has been an altogether different experience. I fell in love with a woman who really wanted things to work. Ultimately it did not work, but I don't think that reflects poorly on her. We both struggled with trying to figure out her role in the overall scheme of things. It can be tough when a child is not yours and you are trying to find the appropriate means by which to effectively discipline, reward, or love a child. I realize now it will always be tough for someone to integrate into our world. However, it is a big part of me and without figuring out a way I will remain solo.
Through these experiences I have learned that dating is hard while being a solo parent. I do not regret the efforts and I refuse to give up on it. I would like to get married again. I want to share my life with someone who is special to me. It will be a learning process and I hope that the person I am with will understand that I am doing my best to make everything work. I don't have all the answers. What I do have is a strong desire to share my life and be communicative. Right now I need to learn from my mistakes and move forward with a better understanding of how to make things right if/when I get another shot.
Yes, being a solo parent is hard. It isn't so much harder than having a partner to share the parenting role with. It just has its differences that have to be adjusted to over time. I hope to continue to write about this significant aspect of my life as I continue to blog about my life. I want to make sure that I make it clear that I enjoy the challenge of being a solo parent. It provides me with a purpose each and every day. I hope to shed some more light on that aspect in the future.
Update 8/4 - It has been brought to my attention that this post sounds like a rant on parenting. I don't mean to discuss the struggles of being a parent to seem like I don't enjoy being a parent. I do. It is a challenge. One that I relish. Yes, there are tough times, but for every tough time there are two or three amazing experiences. I can't say that I always relish trying to juggle everything, but I am appreciative that I have a wonderful child who loves me everyday. He brings a lot of joy to my life. I would never give that up for anything in the world.
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