From time to time I receive an email from medium.com for a blog article that really grabs my attention. My initial interest is usually based on the title or the picture that appears with the title and as a result, many times I end up reading something less than satisfying. On this morning I was grabbed. I clicked on the link and found myself reading through some thoughts of one Sara Michener, who is self-described as a feminist and spitfire in her profile. Interesting for sure. I have not previously read any of her posts on medium.com, but her thoughts on relationships struck me. I find them to be spot on.
Sara pushes the concept of knowing what kind of relationship you want. She defines two categories that one can fall into. In order to determine which category you fall into, the key is being honest about yourself based on your dating experience. This honesty thins is not as easy as it sounds. There are specific things that you need to analyze and accept about yourself. If you cannot do so, then Sara concludes that perhaps you should not be in a relationship at all. I think being honest with yourself applies to a great many things in life, but for some reason many of us have a real problem with assessing what we want based on what has and hasn't worked. We tend to fall into the same traps over and over. Beware of peer pressure or societal norms that steer you one way or the other too as nobody is going to really know you the way you do. There are enough examples out there of people who live out their lives in terrible relationships pretending that they are happy. The goal is not to be one of those people.
So the two types of relationships Sara introduces in her post are called long-burner and spark-chaser. There is no in-between here so the honesty part discussed above plays a crucial role in making sure you pick the right one. A long-burner is essentially a monogamist at heart. This person is looking for a partner to traverse the journey of life with. The love factor of the relationship takes a back seat here. Its not that it isn't important, but a true long-burner realizes that the feeling of being "in love" will ebb and flow over time. The desire to have a companion is what drives you forward. I will add from my own experience that a long-burner must be able to weather the 'love droughts' as I like to call them. To focus on the aspects of the relationship that form the foundation and greet the return of love when it is ready to return. I have seen examples of relationships where people have placed all of their eggs into the basket of companionship and love frankly just doesn't play much of a role. Perhaps it did at some point. We are talking about the fiery intense kind of love that one expects to feel in a committed relationship. It seems weird to say but this kind of relationship is okay, because of the misplaced notions of the importance of romantic love in long term relationships. I believe that this kind of relationship is more frequently the case then the ones who have survived decades in the sublime grip of romantic love. That kind of love is not for everyone as Sara points out.
So what are the factors that make someone want to be a long-burner? Well they can be as fundamental as a sense of family, a desire of belonging, a need to care for others and a recognized importance on companionship. These are the kinds of feelings that take time to develop and as you do, the partners will come to rely on them more and more. Sara believes that this does not mean romance and concepts of love should not be fostered. I agree. In fact, those concepts are still key to making a relationship last or at least fun. They just don't need to be there all the time and take center stage. If you are seeking the love excitement akin to what it feels like when you first start dating, then you are more likely in the second category.
A spark-chaser is someone that wants that Everly Brothers loving feeling each and every day. They seek the euphoric joy of the first kiss, first orgasm, first I love you and value that over any sense of companionship or care-giving. To me this is what I call young love. This is what young people feel when they first start dating, before they know any other aspect of a real relationship. This can also be described as polyamory. Basically, you value the short term feelings of romance and are willing to end relationships with people to seek it out with new partners. Sara's primary thoughts about this form of relationship is that the involved people need to be up front about what they want. These relationships can last six months, one year, several years. It all depends on how long that feeling of love is strong. I have a friend or two who definitely fall into this category and both of them got there by trying to be a long-burner first and coming to the realization that they just don't have the emotional wellspring to make it work. They both seem much better off for their decisions now. This commentary is not meant to be a determination of value. Both categories have their pros and cons. It is more important that those of that seek out relationships with others determine which one we fall into so we are not deceiving ourselves and partners.
The most compelling aspect of Sara's blog to me is the part where she discusses ending a relationship. She talks about those people who use the rationale that they just aren't in love any longer. They are not "feeling it" anymore. To use her words,
"Certainly, there are other reasons to end a relationship that are perfectly valid. But if you’re ending it because you’re not feeling it anymore, you never felt the desire for monogamy as it actually exists in the first place. Figure out who you are, what you want, and be that. The only people who can have both are those few who are very, very good at polyamory."
I think anyone who has had those words said to them can relate to the feelings of anger and hurt that often go along with them. It feels like a cop out - like the person saying the words just doesn't know what else to say. What it means is that they weren't being honest with themselves and you. That is a difficult form of betrayal to get over. Sara would like for people to decide what they want out of relationship and be honest about it. She writes her blog as if this is a very cut and dry decision. I am of the mind that emotions and feelings of the romantic nature are not cut and dry by their very nature. I believe this choice can really only be made after years of dating and finding yourself. Perhaps the answer is to start out as poly and move towards monogamy if that constant turnover of romantic partners gets old. It can be hard to really know yourself when it comes to love and typically the best learning experiences come from the relationships that hurt the most. The key will be to know the difference and act on it.
To add on to Sara's thoughts, I have learned to believe in the concept that love is a feeling of want and not need. I know that conceptually love is portrayed in stories about a life or death kind of thing. However, I think in most cases that is not the case. Love is a strong desire for someone. It is the want of something intangible that you can't quite put into words or express materially. I can understand why people get confused and mistake it for need. It feels like a need at times. If your love goes unrequieted, you feel as if you will cease to exist. Of course physically, this isn't true. I do think a particularly difficult ending to a relationship can change a person - make them a shell of their former self. It is not the end though and for most another will come along to replace the feelings that were lost. Regardless of whether you fall into the category of a long-burner or a spark-chaser, it is best to realize the importance of love as a want and not a need. I think it will influence the actions you take in your relationship to a degree that will make a difference for the better.
Please take the time to read Sara's blog. She does a great job of distinguishing the categories and presenting a strong argument for both. She doesn't pretend one is better than the other, but makes it clear that you are better off knowing which one you belong in. I hope you find it as helpful as I did.
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