Rebooting my life...again

During one's life there will be times when you must assess yourself and where you are headed. To take stock so to speak. Sometimes these evaluations take place as part of routine life maintenance. You might not find much that needs to be done. Other times they take place as part of some large life change and the entire blueprint must be scrapped. I certainly have been experiencing a significant life change over the last month and it occurred to me that it may be time to hit the reset button. Since writing has become a daily therapeutic activity for me, I guess I can sort this out on the blank white screen and see what sticks.

Let me start by figuring out where to begin. Clearly changing your life as you know it isn't easy. It has to start with a first step. The first step really should be something fundamental that will facilitate some of the other changes to come afterwards. My plan is to come up with five areas to work on, and return to my blog from time to time to evaluate my progress in these areas. I will grade my efforts and make sure I am on track to get the ship of my life headed to home port. Lets get started.

Alcohol

I have been drinking on some level since I was 18. There have been times in my life where drinking took a much larger priority than it should have. I have always done a good job of making corrections in this area when needed. I think now is such a time. Alcohol is one of those things that can just become so embedded in everything you do with friends and family. You don't even realize that you are on day 7 of a week long bender until you try to do something functional and your brain just doesn't want to cooperate. It is time to cut that shit out in a major way. Right now I am such an emotional mess that alcohol is just going to compound the feelings of anger and sadness that comes at me in waves. At least with a clear head I can try to cope with my broken heart in constructive ways such as writing, spending time with friends and family, and running. These are the paths through which I will find my way back to feeling like the healthy positive person that I know I am. I miss that guy. I need him back. I don't think I need to give up on drinking forever, but for now minimal contact with the stuff is going to be my plan of action. Wish me luck.

Running

The other area that has been impacted by alcohol big time has been my physical fitness. Since running my marathon back in 2014 my running has been a mess. I have been dealing with injuries off and on for the better part of 18 months. While my injuries were not caused by drinking too much, the time off from running consistently gave me more time and opportunity to drink. They kind of went hand in hand. I need to bring running back into focus. When I met J-Bird back in 2013 she introduced me to the concept of running for a reason. Set a goal and train. It really helped me to do something I could never do before. Stick with it. I need to get back to that. I have found a true love of running over the last few years. It was always something I could connect with J-Bird about and it has had a profound impact on my life. My health has improved. I have lost weight and kept it off for the most part. I feel better about myself. I can't imagine my life without running now. So I need to make it more of a focus. I am going to set some goals. Get back to running with a purpose. I have recently changed up my running schedule to get back into a better rhythm. I have been running Monday-Friday with two additional days where I hit the gym for strength training. The weekends are now reserved for fun time and not holding out for a Sunday morning long run that really just kills any chance of enjoying my weekend. This new schedule has been really great so far. I have currently run 19 of the last 23 days and I feel freaking great physically. In fact, if it wasn't for my running routine I probably would have gone completely crazy these last few weeks. It gives me a positive outlet for my emotional turmoil. I feel in the best shape I have been in since early 2014. I still have a long way to go, but I am going to make this a focus and see where it goes.

Parenting

This is always a huge priority for me. Parenting never stops, even when I want to crawl into a ball and just hide from the world. I know that my mind hasn't been completely all in one place these last few weeks. So, I need to work on re-focusing on being a good dad to Lil C. He deserves that. That little boy has nothing to do with the turmoil in my life right now and I must remind myself of that. I am going to devote more time to being the best dad I can be. Help him to become a better kid and prepare for his third grade year. I must get myself right in this area before school starts or I am going to be in for a world of hurt. I am committing to doing one extraordinary activity with Lil C each week. I will spend one hour per day reading with him. We will continue to practice baseball together. I also want to get him riding his bike minus the training wheels. I think by working to be a better parent I hope I can turn this life change into a real positive. 

Reading/Writing

The one area so far that has been positively impacted by the asteroid crash of J-Bird's exit from my life has been writing. I have somehow jumped right into this blog and I look forward to writing something every day. The effort of trying to keep the creative juices flowing everyday to post something kind of interesting is both overwhelming and exhilarating.  The writing has been somewhat therapeutic and has allowed me to take some thoughts out of my head, which is way to crowded these days, and put them on screen. Now I just have to get comfortable with opening up my blog to a wider audience. This is a tough thing to do. I have been bearing my soul wide open in some of these posts and who knows if anyone out there cares. I guess there is only one way to find out. I will continue to work up my courage on this and in the meantime keep putting the fingers to the keyboard. As for reading, possibly due to the extra time I have spent working on my blog, I haven't been reading quite as much. I need to get back to focusing on this as reading has always been an escape for me when life hits me with a left hook. Less Netflix and more book time is going to be my goal here.

Love

This is the most complicated part of my life right now. I am a wreck. I wander around most days feeling like there is a hole in my chest and a knot in my stomach. I have no clue really how I have been so amazingly productive. Sheer adrenaline Byron. I don't think this is an area that I can solve right now. I just need to find some semblance of control again. Reconciling three years of loving someone is a very tough thing to do. It will take some time. I know this. Eventually, I will turn these thoughts from the strangling confines of the past and target the wide open blue skies of the future. My love life is a complete unknown for the time being. That has to be okay for now. I need to get my current emotions sorted out and then I can turn to figuring out what is next. So here is what I am going to do. Lets break this into two parts. First step, stop crying about what I have lost and start to rejoice in the fact that I can start over again. Second, once the rejoicing begins I can turn to trying to discover love again. That discovery can be the long term reward for enduring these short term dark hours of self-doubt and anguish.

I think these five areas of my life are a good start. If I can manage to make some progress in each of these areas I bet I will start feeling a lot better about myself and look forward to waking up each morning after a good nights sleep (oh how I miss thee). The most beautiful of days often follow the darkest of storms. Hopefully working on these areas will give me an umbrella to keep the rain at bay and get me back on the beach in the sun. More to follow.